For a lot of people, learning that someone they know and care about is LGBTQ+ can open a range of emotions, from confused to concerned, awkward to honored. It may be hard to know how to react, leaving you with questions about what to say, how to talk about being LGBTQ+ and wanting to know what you can do to be supportive.
Here are 10 ways you can be an ally:
- Be a listener.
- Be open-minded.
- Be willing to talk.
- Be inclusive and invite LGBT friends to hang out with your friends and family.
- Don’t assume that all your friends and co-workers are straight. Someone close to you could be looking for support in their coming-out process. Not making assumptions will give them the space they need.
- Anti-LGBT comments and jokes are harmful. Let your friends, family and co-workers know that you find them offensive.
- Confront your own prejudices and bias, even if it is uncomfortable to do so.
- Defend your LGBT friends against discrimination.
- Believe that all people, regardless of gender identity and sexual orientation, should be treated with dignity and respect.
- If you see LGBT people being misrepresented in the media, you can contact glaad.org.
Be aware of how much space you take up.
It is awesome when straight and cisgender people want to visit queer spaces (bars, clubs and nearly every coffee shop). A lot of us grew up feeling like outcasts. Seeing that you want to visit our world is a powerful experience. But try to imagine what it would be like if, every time you went to a bar, groups of queer people were there commenting on how much they loved straight people; how cute you all are and how straight bars are so interesting and different. After a while, you’d get really annoyed. You’d be tired of feeling novel, of feeling different, when you’re just trying to relax or flirt or get laid. And you’d be right. We feel that way, too.
Don’t minimize a person’s queerness.
If I had a nickel for every time I heard a well-meaning friend say some version of “I don’t even think of you as a gay, I just think of you as a person” I could pay so many parking tickets. Every queer person relates to their queerness differently. For some, it’s background noise. For me, it’s full orchestra doing a Celine Dion medley at max volume in my head at all times. Either way, telling someone that you don’t acknowledge or think about their queerness is not kind or enlightened. At best, it makes a significant part of our identity feel like a footnote. At worst, it can make us feel like you think of our queerness as something that’s better left unsaid.
Let LGBT people disappoint you.
Despite what my brain tells me after exactly one light beer, I cannot and will not ever be Neil Patrick Harris. Media representations of LGBT people tend to be highly polished and unrealistic. LGBT characters are well-dressed, witty, successful, ambitious, funny and likable. Sometimes, they are noble victims, fighting righteously against clear-cut examples of discrimination. Other times, they’re lovable sidekicks, existing mainly to support the straight main character or offer comedic relief.
Most LGBT people will never be as impressive, interesting or likable as the ones you see on TV. LGBT people are fully formed humans who struggle with work, our families, our romantic lives and our own personal baggage. We are flawed, wounded, mean, thoughtless, inadequate, afraid of dying, confused, cranky for no reason, insecure and lonely — just like every other human. The LGBT characters we see on TV can sometimes feel as foreign to us as the straight characters.
If you find yourself frustrated that LGBT people in your life aren’t living up to the expectation you had for them in your mind, ask yourself where that expectation came from. Then let it go.